Fall Back

I live in Philadelphia. For the past four days our city's public transportation union workers have been on strike sending thousands of bus, train and subway riders to the streets on their bikes, in their cars and on their feet. I consider myself lucky being a typical subway rider who also has a car at my disposal. However, the change in routine has certainly shifted my view (as most routine changes tend to do).

Since I've been parking my car more than 10 blocks away from my office, then walking, I've had the chance to absorb Fall more fully than I would have in the subway car. The air is finally more crisp and the leaves in the city are prettier than I remember. I always thought I had to drive to the country to see these colors, but the trees in the city highlight the gray buildings and compliment the vibrant people.

Driving in my car has also given me the option to listen to early morning radio; a treat I don't usually take advantage of. NPR has the power to uplift and also (as typical news stations tend to do), make me sad. A story today reported that the unemployment rate has risen to 11%. The majority of the unemployed are men, due to the nature of their business (construction, auto industry and finance), and women are providing for their families by working jobs in more nurturing industries (nurses, teachers) that have not been as effected by the economy. Knowing this strengthened my gratitude for my job (which I also happen to love), but also brought up feelings of confusion about our city's workers who have been given jobs but are choosing not to work in them. Where did we go wrong?

The union workers have been offered a bonus, raises, and no increase in their health insurance contribution; yet, negotiations are still in the works. Although I'm sure there is more to the strike, it surely sounds like these workers feel under-appreciated for their time and would like to receive the benefits to which they feel they're entitled; maybe not every union worker feels this way. On the commuter's end, we want to have public transportation available to us when we put the token in the slot. Do we really care about who's driving the bus or the train? We may just be more focused on the newspaper we're reading or the smelly person sitting next to us. Could it be that there is an overall jaded attitude? An under-appreciation for the jobs we have but also for what workers provide for us?

It's times like this when I want to urge our community to consider our country's past, how lucky we are that so many helpful programs have been put into place, and evaluate how much is really quite enough. If we can't have more (more benefits, more money, a cheap ride to wherever we want to go), don't many of us still have enough?

Enjoy!
Julie

And then there was Buddha...

At my Catholic high school, my favorite choice of uniform (yes, we had a choice!) was my plaid skirt (opposed to the grey kilt), with a white oxford shirt, white knee socks and platform penny loafers (no pennies). Look past my penny loafers, and let me tell you that along with the dress code of Catholicism came a wealth of religious knowledge: I could rattle off the gospels in my sleep (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John), received four out of the seven Holy Sacraments (I used to pretend I was chewing the host before 2nd grade), and  recite the Hail Mary in Spanish. 

Though I wouldn't currently consider myself a practicing Catholic, I still take pride in the community in which I spent so many years of my youth. From little on up, I went to church on Sundays and didn't eat meat on the Fridays of Lent. I often miss the traditions that truly did shape my life but, beyond that, I now marvel at the wealth of religious information I obtained during those years. It was never a choice to learn about Jesus, the Bible and the saints (until I was old enough to decide for myself, sometime shortly near the end of high school), and years were spent in classrooms and in a community of people bound by ties of rosaries and Our Father's. Remembering those times are good memories for me, not at all bound by hostility or contempt. My path has just lead me to explore other thoughts and beliefs systems and, yes, other religions and spiritual communities. 

According to Wiki, Buddhism is "a family of beliefs and practices variously described as religious, spiritual and philosophical." Though truly familiar with "3 in 1" concepts (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit anyone?), perhaps it's the complexity of the system and openness of interpretation in Buddhism (that I personally feel Catholicism lacked), that presents a challenge for me as I navigate the newness of this belief system and trade the path of schooling from 18 years in a classroom to 18 pages of "Awakening the Buddha Within" on the subway ride to work. 

Wiki goes on to further explain that, "Buddhists use various methods to liberate themselves and others from the suffering of worldly existence. These include: ethical conduct and altruism; devotional practices; ceremonies; the invocation of bodhisattvas; renunciation; meditation; the cultivation of mindfulness and wisdom; and physical exercises." Anyone who has been following my blog knows that I am a big supporter of mindfulness and at least try to put it into practice. Meditation is also something I've dabbled in (I twice attended meditation classes at the local Shambhala Meditation Center, after both times feeling rejuvenated and relaxed, during one time being asked to perform an exercise where I listened to a complete stranger speak about anything they wanted for 5 minutes while looking them straight in the eye without nodding, smiling, or politely saying 'mmm-hmm, that's nice, tell me more'. It was an exercise on listening and actually had an eye opening effect - try it!) Similarly, anyone who has been following me in real life knows that I practice (and practice, practice) yoga at least 3 times a week, so I love that Buddhism acknowledges physical exercise as a tool for spiritual growth. 

I suppose it's the rest I'm curious about - the devotional practices and ceremonies, the invocation of bodhisattvas (I can't really even remember what those are, even though I just read about that today!) and Buddhist history in general (although there is even more than one branch of Buddhism!) Some parts I get, some parts I don't. 

However, I may take it upon myself to assume that Buddha would respect and bless an ability to recognize what is good for you and what may not be good for you at this time. I feel that beliefs can be taken from a spiritual buffet -   a little meditation and physical activity on this plate and perhaps a little renunciation in that bowl; a little Sunday mass mixed lightly with mantras for dessert. Can I combine the traditions of the religion of my youth with new ideas I learn about the spiritual and religious beliefs of cultures and community in which I am less familiar, but can relate to certain ways? I think so. I think I've always thought so. Thus my hesitation to ever call myself one thing or the other. But I've always been the variety show kind of girl. 

I'm still learning about Buddhism. Perhaps I'm learning about it in hopes of learning more about myself, or to reestablish a sense of spiritual community, or for the comforting ideas it provides me, such as this one:

Leave everything as it is in fundamental simplicity, and clarity will arise by itself. Only by doing nothing will you do all there is to be done...

- Khyentse Rinpoche

Or prayers, such as this:

May all beings be happy, content , and fulfilled.

May all beings be healed and whole.

May all have whatever they want and need. 

May all be protected from harm, and free from fear. 

May all beings enjoy inner peace and ease.

May all be awakened, liberated, and free. 

May there be peace in this world, and throughout the entire universe. 

Amen, Namaste, Hallelujah, Om Shanti Shanti Shati. 

Enjoy!

Julie

Post Script: I went to yoga class in between writing this entry. At the end of every practice you sit with your legs crossed, bow your head, and bring your hands to your heart to give thanks. Admittedly I had been letting my mind wander about writing this piece and the similarities and possible combinations of the religious beliefs I've been exploring. So I crossed, bowed, and instead of bring my hands to my heart I unconsciously folded them into prayer...just like I did when I used to wear my favorite plaid skirt. 

 

Message From a Friend

I recently rekindle a lovely friendship with someone I went to college with. We bonded over dorm room TV show marathons, 8 am (in our senior year!) English classes, and harsh criticism from southern writing professors. He's always made me laugh and gave me material for jokes that never came to mind when I fed off any of my other friends! He, himself, is an immensely talented writer; a observant, humorous - albeit deliciously sarcastic - artist with the ability to paint a picture with words that always leave you smiling. He always knew what he wanted - to be a screenwriter - and didn't take any shortcuts to get to the place he felt he needed to be to make this happen - California. The competitive LA streets led him to jobs that created a colorful resume, many interesting people, and even more interesting stories (material?). Recently, his two year stint in the west led him back to his hometown of Philadelphia - and blankly left him asking, Now What?

He's reminded me that the Now What times we're bound to experience throughout our lives can be both frustrating and exciting. Terrifying and relaxing. Leaving you on the edge of a either a breakdown or the precipice of a fulfilling beginning. I'm so proud of him and excited too. Proud because he's the kind of person that won't just sit on the (literal) couch (read below). Excited because I have discovered, first hand, how acceptance and presence can transform your life and is sure to change his.

Below is my response to a note he wrote me and something I wanted to share because it both reminded me of where I was at this time a year ago and how far I've come, as well as the beliefs that got me here.

Dear Friend:

Wow - I seriously have goosebumps all over arms and legs. I'm really, truly glad that you were open-minded enough to pick up that book and consider another way of looking at things.

I can say this now that you are considering this perspective - that book, those concepts changed me. In a really good way. It was kind of the first domino that started the chain of spiritual and "earthly" events that I observe everyday. It is beyond comforting to accept the idea that the "universe", "god", "energy" - whatever you want to call it - is on "our side". Because, well, the universe, god and energy IS us. It's in us, it is us, it is around us.

People say that they don't believe in destiny or fate because, what, we can just sit on our couch and life will happen to us? No. And yes.

In a literal sense - you can't sit on a couch for a significant portion of your lifetime; at some point you have to get up. But, in a way, we actually do only have to sit on that proverbial couch - we don't have to DO anything but just be in the moment we're in - be, observe, don't pass judgement, feel instead of think.

But since we're human, of course, some action is required. Jobs don't apply for themselves. Travels aren't booked without your doing. A relationship isn't maintained without a phone call. But humans tend to constantly ruminate about decisions and possibilities and relationships, big and small. Your job application follows you to the grocery store line, to the dinner table, to merge lane on the highway. Of course we have to think and do but We never STOP thinking about doing, even when we're in a place where nothing can be done - i.e. the grocery store or the dinner table!

Wouldn't a better idea be to say - there's my desk, I have an hour. I am going to spend this hour applying for jobs. I will put all of my thought and creative energy into this task, this moment, these moments where I'm working on this project. And when the hour is over - when you are done applying for those jobs - you get up from your desk. You walk away. And you stop thinking about it. You move on to whatever you want to do next - and you are there. You are in your backyard reading a book and you are not thinking about the job - because what can you do about the job while your on your chair in the backyard? If you make the decision to observe, accept, feel in the very moment, in the very place you are living your life in that second- you will become aware of what you want the next step - of your morning, of your day, in you life - to be; and you know what the next step should be because it FEELS "right". 

(Human beware - the mind convinces us otherwise. It gives us "logical" reasons to think that our idea or want is silly - but that's the ego. The ego THINKS instead of FEELS. And that's the challenge of being human!)

So what Eckhart Tolle is getting at, I think, is that when we are in the present moment, when we are aware, it helps us ignore that pesty ego, that pesty reason and logic. Instead, we are in tune - we become content - we become quiet so that there is no noise disrupting the connection between all the energy that IS, in, and around us. 

The phenomenon I still admire is that when we "give up" dictating how we're going to get what we want, whatever we truly want then happens. But, really, we don't give up - we just let go...of what our mind is telling us should happen, and start listening to something much bigger than that.

Enjoy!

Julie

Open Your Eyes

One decision changes your entire reality

Oh my, it's been a while.

In the time since I last wrote about my current and prospective goals, I've accomplished several; ones that were, quite possibly, the most invaluable of my life as I know it thus far.

They say that, "Growin' up is hard to do" - this I will not dispute. After a rather daunting year of post-college living (which included my first job, my first house off campus, a reminder of what it feels like to love and lose, and a rather annoying voice in my head reminding me daily that I was not happy), I quit said first job, moved home to mom and dad's, became selfishly and unapologetically single, and began the age-old journey of trying to discover what would make me feel happy, content and at peace... is that what they meant by growing up?

If the end of the road leading to happiness and peace was marked "Z", I started firmly planted at "A". Home again? No job? No friends to call up and meet for drinks? My decision to abandon everything I had surrounded myself with for the past year left me with absolutely nothing to define myself by. When I ran into people I hadn't seen for a while, I would cringe in hopes that they didn't ask me what I'm doing with myself now and days. "Oh me? I'm just trying to find myself". Going back to school to pursue my graduate degree (which was the most logical option on my list), was most often the response that came out.

A month went by, then two. The time frame I had given myself to move back out and get another job was quickly approaching...and my spirits were steadily falling. I got more sad before I got happy. With risk of sounding dramatic, I think I felt the saddest I have ever felt. I cried - a lot. I searched and searched everyday for the "thing" that was going to make me happy. Grad school - but for what discipline? Traveling - to where? Volunteering - for how long and with what money? A new job - but would I love this one? I ended up pursuing, in one way or the other, everything that I thought could and would make me happy and feel purpose. I did apply, and was accepted, to graduate school for Education. Even though I was grateful for the opportunity, it didn't seem right; it didn't feel like what I should do. The registration deadline came and went. Traveling was mostly to Philadelphia to see my friends - I didn't get too far without faithful, fellow unemployed companions which, at the time, I had none of. Volunteering while traveling somewhere new seemed to be the best thing I could do with my time. I wanted so badly to go to India (as listed on my 33 before 33). A good friend's mother is the director of an organization called Dalit Solidarity - I would go to India for two weeks in December to teach at a school for Dalit children; I would teach ballet. This excited and delighted me - how meaningful, how helpful, how new, what an experience. At this point, it was September - what to do for the next three months before the trip that would last two weeks? Graphic Design, obviously. (We'll put this choice in the category of 'utterly lost and unsure'). So I enrolled in classes (hence the photography), at my community college.

I went through the motions of being a student again with a brave face although, again, it didn't seem right, didn't seem like I belonged there either. I wrestled with my uncertainty every night, mostly under the worried eyes of my parents who compassionately listened and gave supportive advice and head nods. What was I DOING?! Then, one night, I gave up...and everything changed. I'll purposefully paint a magical picture, because that's how I remember all of this happening. It might not have happened quite this way, or so quickly, but this is what I remember.

I gave up. I admitted that, at that moment, I didn't know what I wanted. I just didn't know. I didn't know why I was here, why I was spending this time the way I was, what would happen next. And that became OK. This is what sparked those feelings:

"the wise man's 'maybe' signifies a refusal to judge anything that happens. He knows that often it is impossible for the mind to understand what place or purpose a seemingly random event has in the tapestry of the whole. But there are no random events, nor are there events or things that exist by and for themselves, in isolation."

"when the basis for your actions is inner alignment with the present moment, your actions become empowered by the intelligence of Life itself."

"only is you resist what happens are you at the mercy of what happens, and the world will determine your happiness and unhappiness. what you fight, you strengthen and what you resist, persists. make peace."

"one decision changes your entire reality. but that one decision you have to make again and again and again - until it becomes natural to live in such a way."

And so I made the decision (and keep making and making and making) to "not mind" what is happening, to accept that it has a purpose, and to try my hardest to live in the present moment and pay attention to my actions as they happen now - not as they played out in the past or will in the future.

Let's rewind...

In a addition to crying...a lot. I had also been reading...a lot. The book that happened to make sense to me, and where the quotes above were taken from, was "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. I had heard before a lot of the concepts he writes about; heck, I had been reading his same book for months - bits at a time. But finally, the words, the concepts - they just clicked.

The months at home had also left me a lot of time to hike, to be outside and not surrounded with the need for or pressure to have material things. My mom and dad were also always around with positive words and tons of love, which helped me just feel good. The combination of all of these things, I believe, contributed to my overall well-being and, yes, happiness and peace of mind. I found that when I was completely stripped of everything that had been defining me, I found out that I didn't need those things...that I had the possibility of being happy in life even when I didn't have - actually, especially when I didn't have - those things (a job, a place of my own, a significant other, all of the things we're supposed to have), to dictate my life. I realized that even after I lost a lot of things that were important, and had no idea how to regain those thing, I could be happy.

The fear of what could happen if you lost everything you knew vanished. Because I had. And I was OK.

I quit Graphic Design class. I made the decision to start looking for a new job and a new apartment in Philly. I called up my friend's mom to follow up about the India trip and the deposit check I had mailed her - I did still want to make this journey; I would simply tell my new employer about this trip upfront. She never got the check. She got the registration form...but no check. Had I forgotten to include it? I surely thought that it was in the envelope. Did I still want to go? I'd get back to her.

This is also what I remember...

The same day I went downstairs to log on to my computer to begin the arduous search of looking for a new job, I received an email from the director of the center where I had applied in June for a job I actually really wanted. I wrote off the application as a loss because they had never gotten back to me. But here was the email - Sorry about the delay, would I like an interview?

After several positive interviews and the feeling that this was right, this was where I belonged, I got the job. A great roomate and apartment fell into place simultaneously.

Some mornings I wake up and forget that I am exactly where I wanted to be so badly. I wake up and think that I have to come up with a plan. Then I realize - this is it. You're here. And then I feel happy. And then I feel content. And then I feel peace. It's "a decision that I make" for myself "again and again and again" and I plan to honor that decision, come what may, for the rest of my life as I know it.

P.S. I suppose that I should mention that I never completed the photography class, although I do promise to post pictures taken with my ultra-ambitious Nikon camera which makes me look like I've taken several classes. And I will not be traveling to India this December; I am concentrating on my new job and will plan that journey when the time is right.

Until then!

Julie

#32 (aka) Take a Photography Class

I better get used to making excellent check marks because I am well on my way to accomplishing quite a few thing on my list! 

With this blog, and my life, in dire need of some artistic accents I enrolled in a photography class. My, how times have changed; this class isn't simply learning to focus, zoom, point and shoot my camera of choice. Instead, it's a Digital Photo Imaging class (aka) Adobe Photoshop - manipulating your own photography into trendy, pop, or classic works of art. 

I will be sure to start posting some of my photos and new tricks as soon as I'm not "camera shy". 

Until then!

Julie 

#5 (aka) Run a 5K

With the help of three of my fellow 33 before 33ers, I am happy to announce that I am registered to run a 5K!

This October, Susan G. Komen for The Cure (formally The Komen Foundation), will celebrate the 25th anniversary of Race for the Cure. Women around the world are stepping up to raise breast cancer funds and awareness - a goal of 1.8 million dollars worth to be exact - and in remembrance and support of those who have been affected by breast cancer.

Race for the Cure has remained the largest 5K event in the world since 1998. That fact alone gives me the confidence that our team will run the 3.2 miles with ease simply based on all of that positive energy!

I'm looking very much forward to crossing #5 off of my 33 before 33 come October 5th at Six Flags Great Adventure in New Jersey, where Team Lizzy will run for the cure, for two women who are very dear to us, and for breast cancer fighters and survivors around the globe.

Vsist the Team Lizzy home page to support our team, join our team, or learn more about Race for the Cure.

Enjoy!

Julie